Merci Micky @octobernocturne for bringing me to my new neurology appointment. Dude had two medical students there; I gave consent, as I’m used to being studied by med students.
I have PNES, psychogenic non-epileptic seizures. Basically …
“Psychogenic nonepileptic seizure (PNES) involves attacks that resemble epilepsy-related seizures in symptoms and signs, but abnormal electrical activity in your brain doesn’t cause them. Instead, the seizures are a physical reaction to underlying psychological distress.
The psychiatric diagnosis for PNES is conversion disorder, as a mental stress is being converted into a physical symptom. Conversion disorder is also known as functional neurological symptom disorder. Many people with PNES have experienced trauma.
People who have PNES aren’t faking the seizures. They have no conscious or voluntary control over them.”
So … just … learn more coping skills, become comfortable with emotions, my body, talk therapy, heal from trauma, etc … what I’ve been doing … and … if I still have seizures in six months when I see the neurologist again, I’ll start a new specialized therapy for PNES. 🤷🏻♀️
Karasu’s being a creep. I hate psychosis. It gets worse on my period. My social worker’s substitute suggested it might be worth looking into getting birth control to remove my periods. I talked about it with my APRN yesterday, she agrees. I’ll call my OB-GYN on Monday, or something. I can’t stand the melancholic features during my PMS and period each month. It gets so dark … 😿💀🥀
In a way, I feel like I was meant to see this today … I struggle with psychosis everyday, caused by either my C-PTSD or depression, maybe both? On paper it’s the MDD, but we’re thinking it’s more anxiety/trauma than just depression, and I struggle SO MUCH with CBT and trying to take control of my thoughts, cos I have my thoughts, and all the voices I hear everyday as well responding to my thoughts, and it’s easy to get sucked into a conversation or argument in my head when I’m feeling low or lonely, since I spend a lot of time alone … anyways, thanks for the video! It makes me feel less bad about not being able to seize and control my thoughts as directed in The Holy Bible. God bless.
I just got through my first appointment with my social worker’s substitute while she’s out on baby leave until February. It went well! She is cool, has a nose ring, around the same age as me and my social worker, and I felt like we clicked even though I was super shy (as always, lol).
I looked up “anger from PTSD” and found this, cos I’m experiencing some anger out of nowhere, and couldn’t figure out why … okays, not entirely “out of nowhere” … I am irritated with how slow the xfinity internet is on Micky’s laptop which I use nowadays, as well as the slow mobile data on my smartphone (I need to upload my pics and such, as I’m running out of space, so that probably adds to how slow it is).
Anyways, I have C-PTSD, which is officially written down as “chronic PTSD” on my chart, but is otherwise commonly known as “complex PTSD” … I get all of these symptoms on the list and more, but I don’t substance abuse.
My “major depressive disorder” and crippling “anxiety”, officially written down as “social anxiety” (and is literally “social phobia” level for me these days – although I tend to get super anxious about everything) are most likely just part of my C-PTSD, rather than their own disorders, as I learnt more about C-PTSD and PTSD through the women’s trauma group … which I haven’t been attending in a while, as it’s too heavy and too much for me to start with, and I don’t feel comfortable, or safe, around, or like hearing the stories from, the other patients, either. I get, like, “vicarious trauma”, from hearing other people’s experiences, and being exposed to media with traumatic events, and it bothers me, a lot. 🥺
Being an empath, as my social worker calls me, really sucks. I also saw a post about “hyper-empathy” being a trauma response to protect one’s self, so who knows. Maybe that applies to me.
Oh, and my everyday hallucinations, occasional delusions, and slight paranoia being anxiety and trauma based?
Clearly from my C-PTSD.
It isn’t my “major depressive disorder”, as it isn’t mood based. I hallucinate regardless of mood.
And I don’t have a psychotic disorder, as I am always aware they’re not real (look up “pseudo-hallucinations” aka “non-psychotic hallucinations” for more info).
It’s just difficult being immersed in them when they happen, cos the experience and emotional responses I’m having FEEL real, even if I logically KNOW better, but I can’t just turn them off, hence “psychotic features” (this is totally different from fantasies and daydreams, btw – I add this note here, as my friends and mutuals often say they can “relate” with their own imaginary friends, but … I’m not so sure about that).
Plus, I’ve gotten much better being off antipsychotic medication aka the “wash out” trial, which proves it’s not a psychotic disorder, according to my APRN, and also proves my social worker’s theory it’s anxiety and trauma-based.
But what’s interesting is that if I’m immersed in a pastime, or around other people, even if I’m quiet, I don’t hallucinate unless I WANT to talk to my imaginary friends in my head (this is fantasizing and daydreaming, although I really do hear their voices respond, feel their touches, etc. – I guess it’s like my conscious mind roleplaying with my subconscious mind, in a way).
Oh, and I used to refer to what I experienced as “sensory overload”, until I was taught about hyperarousal (nothing to do with sexuality) aka hypervigilance, which is a symptom of PTSD and C-PTSD.
I get easily overwhelmed and startled by crowds, loud/sudden sounds, strong smells, closed in spaces, being touched without warning, etc. – my brothers, particularly Micky, get a laugh out of spooking me cos I’ll always respond so dramatically, LOL!
I also hallucinate with all five senses, and add on my “sixth sense”, cos I can hallucinate what feels like someone’s presence near me. We think it’s from my C-PTSD.
Today was the second day of the women’s trauma group, run by my social worker, every Thursday morning. Heavy stuff, but I believe I did well, considering what came up. We’re going by a PTSD workbook specifically for women.
I also finally attended the depression group again this past Tuesday morning, I used to go in person before COVID. Glad they’ve gotten groups back up and running again, even if via Zoom. Also going by a workbook. I love learning from both groups, and having homework exercises!
Micky lets me borrow his laptop, which has xfinity wifi on it. Just too bad he didn’t remember the login deets, so it’s just his laptop, lol. I broke the Comcast internet box by a derp. ^^;
I also saw my APRN last Friday, we increased my medication, and such. I talked quite a bit, as July had been a very busy, very rough month. She also told me that getting up too quickly and blacking out, feeling dizzy, and fainting, and such is common, especially in petite people like me (so, I’m a petite pony, petite ponaayyyy), so I don’t have to worry, she just said get up slowly and stay hydrated (and warned me that my medicine for nightmares does add onto this, although like I told her, I’ve had this issue forever), but she did advise me to see my primary care doctor at the least about hitting my head last Wednesday. (Thankfully I feel better this week.)
I’ll get to see my social worker one on one on Monday. I haven’t seen her in a while, but basically, without going into details, what I’ve been working on is that I’m trying to find my own identity, who I truly am before anyone or anything told me who to be, as I burn off old wood that’s not me anymore, or, heck, never was me in the first place! And how I compartmentalize aspects of myself into imaginary figures (ie. my shadow aka sexual side, going back to my early teen years, and whose most recent role was Karasu’s prostitute from his past, who I call his “ex” to simplicity shit).
Speaking of imaginary figures, I’m noticing my sweet, adorable Crow Goblins are clingy with me and Daddy … guess that’s my inner child talking, trying to communicate something. ♡
Imaginary Wildflower ❧ Sha Yuri's Sanctuary ♡ 